


Silence

by be_a_rebel



Category: Torchwood
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-17
Updated: 2010-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-13 06:17:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/133910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/be_a_rebel/pseuds/be_a_rebel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ianto could have done a lot of things in his life but instead he chose to be here, feeding a giant bird a steak and not sleeping above three hours a night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Silence

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Torchwood.  
> Note: Written for heeroluva , who won a fic of mine at help_pakistan . She asked for a fic about Ianto and Jack dealing with the events of Cyberwoman. This is that fic. Kind of. Somewhat AU-ish.

It’s harder than he thinks, the silence.

Losing Lisa is supposed to be like losing a limb, he’s supposed to lie in bed, weeping, he’s supposed to not eat or sleep or function.

Instead, he’s dehydrated and stiff and he falls into bed and there are no dreams, not for a while.

* * *

Lisa used to sing in the shower. Regina Spektor and Snow Patrol and she was off key and she’d forget the words and it would annoy Ianto, and he’d bite his lips so he wouldn’t tell her all the things she was getting wrong.

Somehow, that has turned into an allegory for his life.

Jack is silent often and he is stern and he starts to flirt and he stops and maybe it’s out of respect for Ianto’s grief but he doubts it, he finds it unlikely.

Jack is hard and there is cold in him and Ianto has wanted him forever but that does not mean he isn’t terrified of him.

* * *

Owen is mocking where Tosh is quiet. Gwen shoots him concerned looks and it is oddly grating because Ianto doesn’t want to feel, he doesn’t want to think of it, of Jack or Lisa or how he’s let them both down and how Lisa is gone now, metal suit and all and Jack won’t tell him where he kept her (her body, he can’t make himself think or say), Jack won’t tell him anything and he’s searched Jack’s office for hours and Jack has found him asleep in his chair and said nothing.

The silence is harder then he thought it would be.

It would be nice to hate Jack, simple. Ianto doesn’t enjoy complex emotions, not anymore, not with Lisa blood red and Jack mouth tight. It would be nice to hate and feel rage because rage is cool and clean but guilt is hot and messy and losing the only girl he’s ever loved doesn’t make him want Jack less.

Owen believes Ianto isn’t human, but he’s so very wrong.

Ianto is more human then he’d like to be.

He wants to be a Cyberman almost, sewn away from human existence and the ache in his mouth when Jack stares at him, like he doesn’t know what he sees.

Jack can forgive, he knows this. He’s seen him deflate from anger at Gwen, clasp Tosh’s hand the next day, grasp Owen’s shoulder.

Ianto is out of reach for him. He doesn’t know if it’s because he betrayed Torchwood or because he betrayed Jack.

All he knows is that he’s all out of luck there.

* * *

He spends more time at the Hub then he did when Lisa was there. Myfanwy is his companion, loud and loathsome and he can’t see her without picturing Lisa being pecked to death, her screams that weren’t human and her eyes that didn’t know him.

Jack watches him feed her and he doesn’t smile.

Ianto remembers Jack’s laugh and hurts and none of it gets any better, not anytime soon.

* * *

Sometimes he thinks he should’ve touched Jack when he could have touched Jack, when Jack would have let him and wanted him to.

He thinks about how Jack would have unfolded him (because it’s easier than thinking about Jack now, easier than thinking about getting rid of Lisa’s clothes), slowly and carefully.

Jack was never rash with him. He was never hungry or unexpected and every time Jack touched him he saw it coming a while away.

Owen calls Jack a man whore and Jack is vulgar in his verbal approach but never in his physicality.

Ianto thinks sometimes that he could have loved Jack, in a world where Cybermen had never existed and the Doctor was a myth.

Ianto thinks he could have loved Jack in a world where Lisa hadn’t lived and died, where he wasn’t hiding an emerald ring in a dank little apartment in London on a cold and dark morning.

Ianto could have done a lot of things in his life but instead he chose to be here, feeding a giant bird a steak and not sleeping above three hours a night.

* * *

He eats terrible things like Doritos and bakery biscuits and watches terrible, terrible movies when he does manage to stumble home. He wakes up on his living room couch covered in crumbs and strips quickly, like he could change skins and stumbles into the shower, eyes welded shut.

He is lost and he is unsure and all he can do is follow Jack’s orders and call him sir because anything else is too difficult. He thinks about leaving but can’t think about retcon, about losing Lisa, her hands and her smile and her snorting laugh.

He loved Lisa and she is gone and all he has left is a suit and a job he can’t bear.

He wants Jack now and he wanted him when he used to kiss Lisa in the dark and wipe her tears with the back of his hand.

He wanted Jack then but he isn’t a cheater. He’s a liar and a betrayer and he can be malicious and paranoid and angry but he isn’t a cheater.

When he loves it is madness in itself and he should have stood in front of Lisa and let them gun him down too because now he’s lost the only solid part of himself, the only resolute piece and without Lisa there is no reason or logic, only an angry Jack and suspicious teammates.

He wanted Jack then but he didn’t kiss him, he didn’t let Jack tip him over his desk and touch his thighs. He didn’t push Jack’s braces off his shoulders and kiss his chin and run his hands through that thick, mad hair.

He wanted Jack but he never touched him.

He wants to now but he knows he doesn’t deserve it, he knows it is wrong with Lisa just gone and her clothes in boxes in his closet.

Ianto is a good lover and a wonderful boyfriend except that he isn’t either of those things anymore, he’s nothing at all and the silence won’t stop.


End file.
